Broken: violently separated into parts.

**Warning** May be the longest blog I’ve ever written. 

“Why do things break?” is all my mind can think of lately. While making myself some bomb garlic avocado toast in the kitchen today, I overheard the tv blaring from the family room. I don’t normally watch Dr. Oz and instantly thought when I heard the show come on I was going to quickly turn the tv off when I was done in the kitchen. As I finished up my toast, something he was describing caught my attention. It quickly brought that familiar thought into my head, “Why do things break?”. There I stood, dead in my tracks, thinking to myself that if our bodies didn’t “break down” (get sick or battle a life threatening illness) was there would be no need for doctors. That thought spiraled a whole other set of thoughts, but one that stood out was, “Why can’t everything just stay perfect and unbroken in any way?”! I started to think about where I am right now in life..... 

As loud as day, I heard very clearly this: “You live in very broken and very fallen world. It’s impossible for anything to remain perfect. You need me, Becky. I died for you so you could be made perfect in Me. I am your doctor. I am your Healer. I am your Protector. Trust my plan for your life. I will fight for you. Proverbs 3:6.”

I hate where I am in life right now. (Yes, I said it. I wrote that out and hit backspace three times before I decided in my head, to be true to what I feel in this moment because somehow someway God will use it.) I am seeking joy in life these days. I’ve felt defeated. About 6 months ago, out of nowhere I had a full blown panic attack. I didn’t know that’s what it was at the time. My husband took me to the ER, I got hooked up to an EKG machine, and was then told “you’re fine, it’s just a panic attack.” I was handed a prescription to help for the next week and sent home with paperwork about mental health. I threw the paperwork away and didn’t follow up like directed. To be honest, I was highly offended with the “mental health” words I saw written on the paper that it angered me too much to go back. Before I knew it, that same terrible feeling came back and I landed up in the ER two more times from what they diagnosed as a panic attack. After some terrifying events that wound up taking place after those 3 panic attacks and some detailed discussions, prayer, and research alongside my family (husband and parents) I decided I needed to take a break from all other activities outside of my home, focus on my health, and seek professional help. I have since been diagnosed with delayed onset ptsd and depression. To admit this is terrifying. I can’t get the negative stigma out of my head that is centered around mental health, but maybe I can encourage even just one person by admitting this publicly so they too can see that they are NOT alone in this fight and to seek help as well. 

Back to my kitchen overthinking and Dr. Oz saga. As I was thinking about why things break, God’s still small voice became so much louder than my thoughts. It dawned on me in a brand new way: the same way, but so much better, I only want the very best for each one of my children is exactly what God wants for me. I acknowledge that I am human and my ways are not His ways, His ways are far, far better than we humanly know or can wrap our brains around. I realize that despite my best intentions when planning life out certain things I think are best for my kids, I wind up making mistakes along the way and don’t always have the best of plans which can sometimes lead to bad end results. God’s plans, never end in bad results, because He sees what I can’t and His plans are perfect. If I could see ahead to every end result by the path I choose to take I would definitely be able to make perfect plans with perfect endings every time, but I can’t. Only God can see down the road into the future. With all that said, God knows the path I am on right now is hard. He knows I hate it. He has been collecting a lot of my tears lately that’s for sure, but through this all I have finally realized He is breaking me down completely and ridding me of everything that holds me down from being able to love others as He loved and use my life as a light to lead people to Christ. Even despite who I once was and the label of mental illness hanging over my head now. He can use it all for His glory. Everything: my past, my present, and even my future. 

I hate mental illness. That’s ok, because I have a God that has over come the world...He can strengthen me in my fight and help me overcome PTSD/Depression. For now I am broken, but I see Him putting me back together as one again. I have hope that can only come from Him. 

Proverbs 3:5-8

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes;

fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh 

and refreshment to your bones.

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Romans 12:2

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.